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Oh, Rats!

Yesterday I had the plan to have a "good" eating day, meaning simply that I would stick to mainly healthier foods in reasonable quantities – should really be every day, but as you know, I am hardly perfect! Anyway, it started out great. I had things laid out: A yogurt and apple for breakfast, a Panera Green Goddess salad for lunch (and a cookie). I was going to keep dinner simple and just do a default chicken and roasted veggie kind of thing, but long story short we ended up getting take out for dinner and I had a big old cheeseburger, fries, and some loaded tater tots instead. Ugh. 

It tasted good and if I had planned for it, I could have totally fit it into my day with no problem (though I do admit that the tater tots was really stupid and unnecessary). But that is not what happened, and so almost as soon as I was done eating, I regretted the whole thing. I felt like total shit. Ultimately, it upset me so much that I started crying – so hard that it made my head hurt, even!

I found myself breaking into an open bag of chocolate chips and had one palmful when my partner spotted me and said, "Why don't we put these away now? Maybe you'll just gain one pound instead of five!" I knew he was right, and so I did stop there. It's really nice to have gentle reinforcements around to help out in desperate times, isn't it?

Fast forward to this morning. I got on the scale, and sure enough! Just one pound up from yesterday, 301. And I was totally OK with it, too. I felt relief. Yes, I am mad that I am back up a little bit, but I know that with a couple good days under my belt I will be heading back down again. I'm still in a comfortable place.  In fact, the other day I posted this on Facebook about my experience with weight lifting:
You know what I really like about weight lifting? I realized this tonight: It's a sport that allows me to celebrate and feel good about my body as it is now, and it lets me progress and enjoy and feel really powerful and strong. I really like running a lot, but I always felt like I was having to struggle and work against my physical capabilities. Tonight, I lifted and didn't mind seeing myself in the mirror, and I imagined myself like one of those powerhouse Olympic women lifters, from Bulgaria or something. Tonight, it was a fantastic feeling to not have to wait to lose more weight to feel better about my physical being. It was a real "Aha!" moment! 
That said, I still plan to go back to running, but I want to continue building my strength and losing more weight before I put myself through that again, so that I can run strong and (hopefully) without injury. Stay tuned!
It's a truly amazing feeling, to be OK with my body right now. I have noticed that I walk straighter and with more confidence. I have fun dressing again – I feel like my clothes are really reflecting who I am and what I represent. I am proud that I am big and strong. So yes, I definitely want to become leaner, but in the meantime, I'm appreciating how much my body can do. When I was running regularly, I sometimes felt the same way, but too often I felt reminded of what my body cannot do, and that was beyond frustrating.

But, on another frustrating note, I had an outfit that I'd planned to wear today, which included a skirt that I haven't worn since sometime last year. I never really imagined that I wouldn't be able to wear it, but surprise! It will barely go over my hips and belly now. Ack. I should have figured, I suppose, but I think that I just don't realize how much smaller I had really been with those extra 30 or so pounds off. Fortunately, I had a backup skirt that does fit, but I was really disappointed to not be able to wear the one I wanted.

More reasons why, right?

Keep on keeping on.

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