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What a Difference a Day (or Two) Makes

Today for the first time in a long time I had a relatively easy time waking up a little earlier than usual so that I could take a bath before work. As I went through my routine, I realized that my mind felt a little clearer, a little less grumpy... to be honest, I felt very positive, almost Pollyanna-like!

I've only been taking my new meds for less than a week, so I don't know if they are already having this effect on me, or if it is wishful thinking, or just my own "bootstrapping" or putting my big girl panties on... ugh, I hate that phrase. Whatever it is it is a welcome change and I hope it lasts! It's good to have a nice day that comes from within, you know?

Monday's evening workout was fine, but I was definitely feeling a little agitated, grumpy, I don't know. I was feeling really resentful of my body and hated that there were so many mirrors around to avoid. I know, this is a terrible way to be. Sometimes I am fine about it, and sometimes I just don't want to deal with the reality of what it is right now, is all. You know?

I am glad that I have two places where I can go to work out – one being the small gym where I usually meet up with Rick that is more weight-lifting focused, and the other being LA Fitness. We were at LA on Monday and it was crowded and we were trying to be discreet about our training, which makes things weird for me – he's not a trainer at LA anymore and technically he's not supposed to train people there independently, which I get. On the other hand, we're both paying members so I kind of don't see what the problem is if my friend (which Rick is) guides me through my workout while he does his own thing as well. Anyway. I'm one of those people who feel uncomfortable when rules aren't being followed (even though I am totally anti-authoritarian, by the way), and it just causes me anxiety. So we'll see how it goes tonight at my next session.

PT was GREAT yesterday and I am so glad that I decided to go back. My leg feels greatly improved and it sounds like I might not need many more appointments – Steve (the PT) said to wait and see how Friday goes and he'll decide what's next. I do know that he won't be letting me run the Shamrock Run in early March ("You can walk it," he said), so... well, I doubt I could have run the whole thing anyway, being an 8K and all. Fortunately, it is a very walker-friendly race. I am still feeling optimistic.

The third leg of this stool is my eating, of course. And so far, on day 3 of trying to shift back into a good place, things are going well. I'm logging food and trying to make better choices and trying not to get caught up in binge behavior and it's been fine. So strange how some days (weeks, months) can be SO HARD and others can just not even have to be thought about. Some things I have in mind for the coming however long:

• Getting back down below 300 pounds (6 to go right now) and staying there. If nothing else, just don't break that threshold again, no matter what. That's my focus right now. Then I'll move to what comes next.

• After a break from weighing, I realize that monitoring it on a regular basis is a helpful tool, as long as I can keep my emotions in check, which I generally can. It's too easy to bury your head in the sand and ignore the reality of how much weight is coming back on (though of course you can also tell by the way your clothes fit, which is very effective, too).

• My hair is driving me nuts today. I'm not sure why! I washed it this morning and I thought it would end up looking nice and feeling good, but the opposite happened. I just don't like the feeling of it on my head today, which sounds weird but it's the only way I can describe it.

• I need to remember that the key to the success I am looking for is to keep going. Looking back on things overall, I have had the tendency to slack off a day right after, say, a good week. Then that sets up for falling back into bad habits. So moving forward, I need to remember how important this is. No resting on laurels anymore! Keep doing the work!

• I love meditation, even just in the small doses I've been practicing (5–10 minutes at a time). I take it with me everywhere I go, if you know what I mean. I can always pull it out when I need some mindfulness or to de-stress. I'm going to continue expanding this practice!

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