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Feeling Low

You guys, I've been having a super hard time so far in the new year. I had such high hopes for myself, and it's like I've headed in the totally opposite direction. The one thing that has been fairly consistent is exercise, but I feel like that has been slightly curtailed because my stupid knee has been bothering me again since the race.

Let me talk about that a little bit more. I am glad that I challenged myself to doing what I did, but looking back and knowing how things turned out well, I'm sorry that I felt like I had something to prove – to who? I guess mainly myself but truth be told to everyone else, too. 300 pound woman CAN run and do races! You know?

But all I ended up doing was hurting myself. Ever since then my usual knee has been bothering me more intensely again. It's in a different way than it used to – more in the back than at the top – but it is still bothersome and discouraging. I'll be honest. I really, really don't want to go back to physical therapy. It's time consuming and hard and tiresome and... ugh. I know I sound like a baby but it's how I feel. So I've been trying to take it easy and haven't run since Wednesday. On Saturday I did have a gym workout, but Rick took pity on me and it was a lot more easy-going stuff and talking things out than anything. In fact, I ended up crying about half the session. I told you, I'm having a really hard time! It all came rushing out that morning!

My eating has been, frankly and in a nutshell, shitty. One of the things that Rick and I talked about was what I needed to do to get a better handle on that, like meal planning and prep, and smart shopping. If it's not in the house, I can't eat it! I also talked about my issues at work and sometimes getting out of control there if I don't bring my own lunch. I can really be my own worst enemy and end up with twenty dollars worth of fast food that makes me feel like total and utter crap. There are many days when I make much better decisions, like walking to Panera for a salad, but man. My mind was really not in the right place last week.

I haven't gotten on the scale in at least a few days, and I am scared to. All I can do right now is try to get hold of myself and do the best I can each day. I can check in with my partner about lunch when I am at work, and I know he will be encouraging and supportive to do what is best for me. That will be the biggest challenge.

It's been a long time since I have dealt with such down feelings for this long a stretch and I am not sure what I should do about it. I've been toying with the idea of seeing a therapist but at the same time I'm not sure if I want to go there. I'd like to work things out and maybe see this as a chance to think about what things I do (and eat!) will make me feel good and go from there. I understand that if I am really dealing with depression, it's not something I can just pull myself out from on my own – I guess I just want to wait and see.

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