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Not Giving Up, Still

Today started yet another new effort. I did well for most of last week, but a couple of those days resulted in gaining back whatever I had lost, which was a huge bummer. Over the weekend, it just about all went out the window if only in beer. I start this week having no idea where I stand on the scale, giving myself at least one good day before I subject myself to what I am sure will be bad news. But we'll see.

Yesterday wasn't so bad, really, but today I awakened with a new sense of purpose and motivation. I am so determined not to give up on myself. Part of it is for stupid reasons like all the gorgeous dresses I saw at Target and Marshalls on Friday when I went out shopping for a new outfit for my art opening that night. Especially the ones at Target, looking all kind of Boho-Victorianesque and they just really tugged at my heartstrings in an unexpected way. Of course, they're only in the straight sizes – as usual, the plus size section is a fucking ghetto. I hate it. I'm just so sick of not being able to buy the clothes I want.

Listen, I know part of that problem – most of that problem – is with the clothing companies and the stores dictating what fat women can and cannot wear. My body is not wrong, but the system is. I get that. I'm not aiming to make myself stick thin so I can wear a size 2. (Not that that would ever happen!) Hell, I really just want to lose enough weight more so that I can easily wear the largest "straight" sizes at most stores. Target carries XXL in its regular lines, and sometimes I can wear those things, but not always. I'm not so far away from it.

I ended up buying one of those dresses I saw, size XXL, because I WILL do it. I will wear it. I'm planning to go back and get a couple more, in fact. They REALLY got me in a way that clothing has not affected me in a long time. And I want to indulge in those feelings, and I want to wear those clothes, and I want to reflect who I am in what I wear.

That said, I did buy an awesome jersey dress at Marshalls, which fit perfectly and looked great, and was a size XL. Go figure. Argh!

Here I am at my opening with my young friend Matilda. Wearing my new dress. We're standing in front of one of my paintings.

Me and Matilda, age 8
Like I said, I had a good eating day today, and after work my partner and I went for a walk (getting back into our habit!), and after that I had him coach me on some crunches. I want to work on more strength training again, starting with my core. I did 12 good ones and a few junk practice ones. I've also ordered some dumbbells for both of us to use!

Looking forward. I am in control of my destiny.

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