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I Think I Am Back


It's been a while.

Last we met, I was struggling. I am still struggling, but... I am fighting NOT to reach the 300 pound mark again, and my clothes are not fitting so well anymore. I'm sick of worrying about getting back to where I was when I started at 372, so it is really time to get serious about this again. It's a must.

I've been really having trouble with sweets in particular, and to a lesser extent, drinking. It's easy enough to take drinking alcohol out of the equation, and I know that once I get a good day or two in of no sweets I should be OK. It's the getting there, and keeping it going that I need to really devote myself to right now. I'm at a turning point right now and I can go in one of two directions: forward or reverse. To move forward means to value and honor myself and my physical body enough to get back to the things I was doing before: being more judicious about eating, and getting enough exercise.

There have been a few conversations I've had in the past few days that have started to flick that switch a bit again – one with my partner about my addiction to sweets, and one with a good friend about healthy lifestyle in general and not backsliding any more than I have; I also responded to another blogger's recent post, someone who has been going through a similar situation and wants to get back to basics again.

It's about choices. I choose to feel comfortable in my skin and to feel like I can do anything physical that I want to. Gaining more weight will prevent me from doing that. (Also, I hate feeling so bloated.)

Another choice: NOT buying any new clothes in larger sizes than what I have now. I refuse. So, if I keep gaining weight, I won't have much to wear.

Honestly, these are the two main things that have really been bothering me lately. I hate the feeling of clothes not fitting well – and this is something that I have noticed especially since finding myself back in the 290s. So it really wouldn't take much to feel comfortable again.

Yesterday I had a fair day, eating-wise. I had the usual Wednesday bagel at work (free, yo!) for breakfast, and lunch out with the friend I mentioned earlier. Looking at the menu, my eyes immediately gravitated toward the burger section, but then as we were talking about choices, I settled on some fish tacos, which turned out to be delicious. Oh, and I had an IPA, too. But just one!

I did have a sweet transgression after lunch that I won't go into, but dinner was almost ready when I got home and we had some delicious kielbasa in sauerkraut with potatoes. I had a decent, but not excessive portion. After that, I didn't even think about sweets and I didn't drink. I just did the dishes, made some sandwiches for today's lunch, and watched some TV (the amazing HBO limited series The Night Of, and the US Open of course!), did a little work. It felt good, almost liberating.

Today when I woke up I decided that I wanted to continue the good feelings. I don't want to be prisoner to my cravings, which is what it has been feeling like. Helplessness. I started the day with a bowl of cereal (chocolate cheerios with almond milk, whatever!), will have sandwiches and homemade pickles for lunch, and something reasonable for dinner. I've returned to MyFitnessPal to log food again, probably for good. Even though I get resentful of having to do that all the time, the truth is it helps me stay accountable and aware and it is a necessary evil for me.

I didn't weigh myself today. The last time I weighed a few days ago, I was hanging right around 297. Not good at all, but not 300, either. I'm going to give myself a few good days on and then probably see where I'm at over the weekend. I just can't deal with those numbers right now. But, once I do weigh in again, I will probably go back to a daily weigh for a while just to keep myself in check.

Right now, my goal isn't necessarily a number (though if I had to give one, it would be 289 – anything below 290), but rather a feeling – a feeling that my clothes are comfy again. Getting dressed in the morning was actually becoming fun at some point, because I could grab anything and knew that it would fit and feel good to wear. That hasn't been the case lately, and it makes weekday mornings that much harder.

I want to go back to free and easy.

(Oh, and also: Drinking Traditional Medicinal's Everyday Detox with Dandelion, and making dates to run with friends. Two weeks ago I went running for the first time in a month, and was still able to run two miles at a 14:30-15 minute pace, about where I left off. Tomorrow morning I have a running date with my friend Janice. We've also been playing tennis a couple-few times a week still.)

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